and my ride has been pretty intense the past few months.
shit. i don't even know where to begin.
but i knew i had to say something. had to get my blog back up and running. i have met so many wonderful friends via the online scrapbooking community. and i have received literally hundreds of emails from people expressing their support and concern. i've been away for a while.
shorty after gustav hit our area my entire world collapsed. everything went wrong all at the same time. i've been dealing with some pretty heavy personal shit. the heaviest i've ever had to deal with before. i can't really go into the details of everything that has been going on in my personal life. because i'm still in the midst of it. and right now.....i just can't talk about it.
i guess the easiest way to sum up what i've been going through...is to say that my entire world was shaken to its very core. it's been a really hard road for me for quite some time now. i've always thought i was a good person. perfect? no. not hardly. but good. my heart is good. i try not to judge. try to live a basically good life. and although i hate feeling sorry for myself or playing the victim...it's been really hard not to do that at times. i have found myself wondering far more times than i can count these last two months....what the hell did i ever do to deserve so much hardship and sadness???when those moments come, i try to remind myself that there are many people out there dealing with a lot more than me. and i make myself get up and get on with it.
pain is never an easy emotion to work through. especially when that pain is caused by those around you that you love and care about.
but i'm dealing. and some things in my life are getting better. i do have some things to be grateful for. and i'm trying to stay focused on those things and work through the shit.
my business....wow. just trying to get it all wrapped up. after i get all the unfinished business...well, finished...i plan to hopefully, get back to the kits. not really sure right now. really, i just want to get back to making stuff as soon as i can. i miss it. i miss the creative release i got from putting my thoughts and feelings down via paper, glue and photographs. photographs....i haven't been taking many of those either. i'm hoping to get back into my creative groove really soon. i need that. i crave it. i've missed being a part of the online community we have. missed reading your blogs, seeing your work over at SIStv and also conversing via email. i'm trying to spend a little time each day catching up with all of you online.
i have received a lot of emails asking if i am still working for hambly. i am still going to be joining the hambly team. i just needed to focus on what i have had going on in my personal life and will be joining the team at the beginning of the year, and possibly before. i love hambly's product and look forward to working with it and allison. i'll keep y'all posted on that. i also had CK pick up a layout of mine for their March issue next year. i was pretty excited about that!
it's strange blogging. it's been so long. i wasn't sure if i even wanted to come back to it. but realized i have a lot to say. and this place has always helped me. getting shit out...via the written word...it's almost as therapeutic as scrapbooking. and reading the comments you gals left me made me truly feel that i was connecting with others because of my words. and the words written back to me. but i had to come back when i was ready. and i haven't been ready until now. i've had many days of late..where it takes every ounce of strength i have to make it through the day without crying. blogging was the furthest thing from my mind.
but slowly things are getting back to some semblence of "normalcy". whatever the fuck that means. i guess what i really mean is life is at least getting to the point where i can get through the day without saying a hundred times...i just don't think i can deal today. and that's a good thing.
i just want my life back. someone told me once that sometimes everything has to completely fall apart to come back together the way it should be. i'm trying to look at it that way. i lost everything. everything. my life has been torn apart. and i'm just trying to get through each day, and put the pieces back together. but this time...i'm doing it my way. playing by no one's rules but my own. people can judge. people can assume. people can turn their backs on me. i really don't give a fuck. i lost everything. no one's gonna tell me how to put my life back together, and no one's gonna tell me what pieces fit into the puzzle that is my life. not this time.
i will be getting back to more regular blogging. and creating. soon. i'm getting there. but i have a few things left in my personal life to wrap up first. so i'll be checking in from time to time. until i get more settled.
peace to each of you,